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Saturday, September 6, 2008

over and over again, i struggle with this issue.

i know i'm incredibly vain, but i have to be honest: i want people to remember me. not remember me as just a face in the crowd, but i want to really struck a chord in people's lives. i want to be SIGNIFICANT. at least for the people i care about.

right now is 3.40am in the morning, and assessments are coming in less than 48 hours. i still have projects waiting to be finished, but i took the time to chat my night away and browse through the almost-obsolete friendster.

oh dear, i thought. everyone seems so happy. and where am i?

before i returned to singapore this july, i made a promise to myself that i won't make the same mistakes. i will NOT let my assignments take over my life--i was gonna put relationships first, because they matter most. i will always allow time for my friends, my family, at least to let them know that i'm still here. i care.

but for whatever reason, i don't think i carried out my plan well enough. i wasn't as horrible as before. i still drop off comments here and there. i say hi to them on msn. but i feel like there's still an inner part of me who prefers not to be a part of this. i dunno. i know i was a very, very uncaring person. as in my pride was big enough not to start a conversation first, or ask them how they're doing, that sort of thing. i mean, i'm being honest here. inside i was actually curious about them, but i resisted the urge to ask--i didn't want people to think i'm too... SKSD, you know. i didn't want them to think that i was soooo free and i was so kepo, i wanted them to think that i had better things to take care of. they gotta make a move first, man. they had to reach out to me. so i resisted the urge to reach out to them. and then the resistance began to come naturally. I KNOW it's horrible and SICK and just plain WRONG. that's why i'm trying so hard to fix things up.

i'm struggling. on one hand, i want to maintain my friendship with them. but on the other hand, sometimes it feels so hard just to click on their name and say hi. what am i going to say? hi, then, what?? it feels so cheesy just to make up a conversation for the sake of talking. i don't know. i think my mindset is somewhat twisted.

i want a friendship that will last a lifetime. i love my friends, and i want them to know that. i love my girls in jakarta. i love my agape family. i love all those other fools i hang out with. i love my nafa sisters. i may not be perfect. i may disappoint them at times. i may get disappointed at other times. but i know God has put them in my life for a powerful reason, and i will not let go.

my prayer:
Lord, break my heart for what break yours. break my heart again, for those people that you've put in my life. for my parents, my sister, and all my beloved friends. i don't want to be a fake. i want them to see how much i really care. help me Lord to take action. i don't want to just speak my love, i want to act on it. teach me how to love like You love me. i don't need significance just for the sake of fame. i want You to use me to build others, to support me, to become an extension of Your hand in this world. i believe You will take care of me, and You know You're my very, very, very, true blue best friend. amen.