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Wednesday, December 17, 2008
it's like i checked into rehab... 9:30 AM

and baby you're my disease...

the song is just hopelessly stuck in my head.

for the third day in a row, today has been dull. i didn't go out of the house at all. i was stationed in front of the tv all day, and while it's really, really a great time to indulge myself in the guilty pleasure called TELEVISION, i feel... empty.

you know, i'm not supposed to feel this way. this is not good... this is, wrong!

although i can't help myself. the more tv that i watch, the guiltier, and the emptier i feel. which is stupid. how can i let something SO VAIN like tv get to me. maybe it's because i haven't watched tv in 6 months, now my mind is rejecting it.

i think i've watched too much grey's anatomy, now i'm starting to make a diagnosis.

anyway, christmas is around the corner. this year, i'm not feeling the christmasy mood.. uh, it's barely there. in spite of all the christmas-themed shows on tv, SIGH! today i watched 2 episodes of Nigella's Christmas, and this beautiful chef showed us how to cook christmas food.. wow.

of course, i want to have a chance to experience that sort of christmas. you don't really get to eat gingerbread cookies, or roasted ham, or put presents under your tree here in this country. usually during christmas season, we're all busy preparing for our churches' christmas service. it's fun, when you're involved, but now since i'm not participating in anything... it just feels a little... i don't know.

i guess, what i want to do this christmas, is to make peace with myself.

this insecurity thing.. it's getting old. i really have to stop questioning myself, and step up, and stand by.. me. you know. i believe in other people. i need to believe in myself too.

so, hmmm, yeah.

i am sooo rambling and this entry makes no sense.
but it feels nice to be able to pour out my thoughts like this.
yep, it's pouring and flowing and running all over the place.
but heck, who cares. this is my space.

i miss YOU.

Monday, December 15, 2008
grey's anatomy rocks. 9:59 AM

i miss my friends right now. today has been a lonely day.

i just miss having people around, people to laugh with, people to share with. people to talk to. like friends.

i just want to spend time with them, without a care in the world.

aku ingin menghabiskan waktu sama temen-temenku. terlepas dari jaim, dari prasangka, dari kesibukan, dan dari pusingnya hidup. terlepas dari kenyataan bahwa hidup kita masing-masing masih punya lubang yang belum tertutupi.

i guess that's what friends are for.

memang sahabat-sahabatku nggak sempurna. mereka punya kekurangan masing-masing, dan mungkin mereka nggak selalu hadir di saat mereka dibutuhkan. tapi aku sendiri masih harus banyak belajar.

untuk menjadi sahabat yang baik.
menjadi sahabat yang positif, sahabat yang suportif.
sahabat yang bisa memberikan security.

aku sendiri punya banyak insecurities. keraguan di tengah jalan. saat kamu termenung, berhenti sejenak, dan memikirkan lubang-lubang di tengah jalan ini... yah, that's not the most pleasant time in the world.

tapi aku rasa, it doesn't really matter.

i dunno.

right now, i want myself a cup of Doctor McDreamy. without the super cool but intimidating wife.

and some inner peace would be great, too.

Thursday, December 11, 2008
creativity belongs to our Creator. 10:14 AM

creativity belongs to our Creator. don't you agree?

tonight i spent some time browsing through people's blogs. some of them are people that i don't really know personally, but they're people i recognize from indonesian service at city harvest church. i stumbled upon their blogs, and i was surprised to see that God has blessed His people with overflowing creativity!

these people, they found their way to shine in their own colours. and what's so special, i think, is that they glorify God through their creativity, through their designs and photography, also through their music and songwriting. i was amazed to see the quality, and the passion, and the POSITIVITY that i rarely get from creative folks.

without meaning to offend anyone, i have to admit that most people would stereotype artsy people as either kooky, depressed, tortured, ironic, liberal... just to name some of the negative stereotypes. and as someone who studies art, and spends most of her days in a school filled with artsy people, i think i understand why that belief exists. some people even take pride in being a tortured artist. i wonder why.

and some months ago, pastor kong reminded us in church, that creativity indeed belongs to none other than our Creator, Father God, Himself. He is the God Elohim, the God who creates. He breathed the creativity into our nostrils, into everything he shaped in this earth. so is there any reason for us to be creative and still be gloomy, sad, miserable, and filled with self-pity?

no, i don't think so.

in much simpler terms... you understand that our God is THE Mightily Creative God, because He's the one who created the earth, the sun, the sea, the forest, and everything inside them. He's the one who painted this universe into being, the one who sculpted every detail in us to achieve the uniqueness and the individuality that we embrace today. so He is really, really creative. then, He made us, people, as His most treasured artwork. He prides Himself on us, that we may resemble Him in His image. of course, we believe that He passed down His immense creativity to us!

and because our creativity is Godly, we should use it for His glory. rather than to display sadness, anger, desperation, and disappointment in this world, i think God would be more pleased if we use art as a media to express our gratitude to Him, and how we can make the world a better place instead of a gloomy dump.

you know, i have tried to portray my "tortured artist" side in my artwork. but it didn't work! i guess we're just not meant to be sad and negative.

come on, creative souls. thrive on the positive energy that God has blessed us with, and let the world taste His unending majesty!

Friday, December 5, 2008
naik antar jemput! 12:47 AM

most of you can probably tell that i have a bunch of free time during my holidays, cos i'm blogging so often now. that is... very, very true. HEH.

tadi siang aku diajak makan sama papa sama ody ke Eat & Eat. e&e ini adalah food court paling baru dan paling GRESS di kelapa gading, terletak di mkg 5, di ujung paling utara mall kelapa gading. kenapa gress? karena di foodcourt ini kita makan di tengah suasana KAMPOENG TEMPOE DOELOE... dengan pondokan-pondokan reyot, sangkar burung, gerobak, sepeda, teko-teko tua, meja kursi dari kayu kasar, toiletnya disebut jamban, de-es-te. bedanya dengan kampung tempo dulu, semua suasana ini dapat dinikmati dalam keadaan bersih dan ber-ac. makanya makanannya kampung tapi MAHAL.

lalu kami pulang, dan di tengah jalan, di dalem mobil, dede gue bercerita soal pengalaman temennya yang ditinggal anter jemputnya di sekolahan, saat temennya itu lagi ngobrol di luar. denger cerita soal anter jemput, saya teringat masa-masa saya sendiri naik anter jemput. gue rasa gue jadi pelanggan jasa anter jemput sekolah sekitar 10 tahun ada, kali.

jadi begini ceritanya. saya naik anter jemput sejak pertama kali masuk sekolah. dengan kata lain PLAYGRUP, alias KB, alias KELOMPOK BERMAIN. saat itu usia saya 3 tahun. buset yak! alesan utama saya didaftarkan naik anter jemput sama nyokap saya, adalah karena kedua orangtua saya itu sibuk bekerja di siang hari, jadi tidak ada yang nganter ke sekolah. atau menjemput.

anter jemput dalam definisi saya adalah jasa angkutan yang kerjanya jemput kita dari rumah ke sekolah dan anter kita pulang dari sekolah ke rumah. biasanya naik mobil yang muat banyak, mulai dari suzuki carry sampe mobil panther, rata-rata saya pernah naikin semuanya. dalem mobil ini, jumlah orang yang diangkut sekaligus itu indefinite, alias suka-suka sopir dan semuat-muatnya aja. biasanya mereka suka memodifikasi mobilnya dengan formasi tempat duduk yang memungkinkan sebanyak mungkin orang masuk. mentang2 anak kecil, bisa aja satu mobil suzuki carry disumpelin anak-anak sampe 11-12 orang. memang sama sekali enggak manusiawi dan enggak kompromi.

mana lagi kita sebagai penumpang nggak bisa milih mau naik mobil sama siapa. pas gue smp, gue harus semobil sama anak-anak tk plus susternya yang rese, berisik, jorok, cengeng, dan lain-lain. apalagi pas pulang sekolah cepet karena ada libur ato apa gitu. otomatis jadwal pulang tk sampe sma bisa aja bentrok semua, dan semuanya harus pulang sekaligus. jadilah mobil makin sumpek dan kita harus naik mobil sama anak2 tengil itu. saya dulu nggak tengil loh. saya nggak bawa-bawa suster buat nyuapin saya pas masih kecil. makanya saya nggak betah kalo semobil sama anak2 begitu.

contoh anak-anak tengil. anak tk + suster, kalo yang cowok biasanya putih-putih gitu terus gemuk, subur, sehat sentosa. ributnya minta ampun, suka ngajak berantem anak-anak yang lebih gede. terus suka disuapin di dalem mobil sama susternya, bikin orang yang ngeliat pusing. kalo anak-anak cewek tengil juga biasanya begitu, bedanya, sebagai cewek, mereka suka didandanin yang aneh-aneh, punya rambut yang dikuncir sana sini, bikin mobil makin sempit. apalagi pas jaman cindy cenora ye, yang rambutnya dikuncir pake kawat dan menjulang hingga 20cm panjangnya. ITU RESE PISAN. hehehehe!

biasanya satu usaha anter jemput itu memiliki 3-4 mobil yang difungsikan setiap harinya. tiap mobil punya sejumlah anak2 yang menjadi tanggung jawab. kalo pagi hari, yang pertama dijemput itu dari anak yang rumahnya paling jauh dari sekolah... baru terakhir itu yang paling deket. kalo pulang, malah sebaliknya. yang pertama dianter adalah anak yang rumahnya paling deket. terakhir ya yang paling jauh. jadi, KESIANNN anak yang rumahnya jauh, dan UNTUNG di anak yang rumahnya deket (GUE!).

di dalem mobil, ada banyak kegiatan yang bisa dilakukan. yang pertama adalah ngobrol dengan sesama anak-anak sebaya--di sini tali persahabatan pun terjalin dan perjalanan menjadi menyenangkan. kedua, tidur--ini biasanya dilakukan buat anak-anak yang kena giliran dianterin terakhir dan saat mobil udah mulai sepi, dan ac alam mengalir sepoi sepoi, ZZZZ... sampe di depan rumah. ketiga, diem merengut bagi mereka yang gak bisa nyambung sama penumpang lain--ini sempat terjadi padaku selama beberapa waktu. keempat, menjadi preman mobil dan ngegerecokin anak-anak tk yang suka nyolot dan sama-sama cari masalah. kelima, makan! ada yang makan bekal bawaan yang belom abis, ada yang suka jajan selagi menunggu mobil penuh dan jajanan pun dimakan dalem perjalanan. mulai dari tahu gejrot, gorengan, kue ape, sampe cincau dan cendol pun nikmat disantap selama perjalanan gasrak gusruk dan berdebu.

saya naik anter jemput sampe sekitar kelas 2 smp. mulai kelas 3, saya masih terdaftar di anter jemput, tapi jarang ikutan, karena saya mulai mengenal ANGKOT. naik angkot buat saya itu kelegaan tersendiri. kita gak usah ketar-ketir pulang cepet-cepet karena takut ditinggal mobil, gak usah sumpek-sumpekan dan lengket-lengketan sama anak-anak lain karena bisa milih angkot yang sepi. saat saya mengenal angkot, saya merasakan kemandirian yang membanggakan. WUEDEHHHH banget gak sihhh?

akhirnya saya bilang sama mama untuk mencabut saya dari anter jemput. IRIT bo. naik angkot itu dulu cuma 500perak sekali jalan. sementara anter jemput... wueh mahal lah pokoknya. saya bangga karena saya bisa membantu mama ngirit, dan saya bisa menyesuaikan jadwal saya sama angkot yang selalu ada.

jadi inti dari cerita ini adalah.. jangan naik anter jemput kalo nggak terpaksa! kecuali memang anda penikmat sengsara, atau rumahnya jauh dan terpelosok. untungnya saya di kelapa gading, di mana angkutan umum masih layak ditumpangi dan cukup aman.

hidup kelapa gading!

Thursday, December 4, 2008
filled with love. 9:29 AM

today i met up with my beloved girls again. by "beloved girls", i'm referring to the group of nine girlies that have been with me since the 9th grade. gegege.

well, actually, i only met a few of them. this afternoon i met up with magda and ika at our second home, MALL KELAPA GADING. we agreed to find a gift for our friend, cindy, who's having a birthday dinner later. actually, "finding a gift" has often been used as an excuse to hang out at the mall, for the lack of a real purpose. hahahha. then we would just go round and round, checking out everything, browsing through random shops, and sometimes we would go back empty handed but still satisfied. so, yeah, usually "finding a gift" means more like, "hanging out cos we have nothing to do but since a friend's birthday is coming up so why don't we just go to the mall and look-see-look-see but the main point is to waste time".

BUTTTTTT i truthfully declare that today, we were really dedicated to find a gift for vhavha (cindy)!! today we were focused on the purpose to find something to buy for her, instead of randomly going in and out of shops out of curiosity. erm, granted, i did do some (okay, A LOT) of window-shopping to satisfy myself. and the side effect is i ended up having so many, many things on my wish list. all day i went ga-ga over all the adorable outfits!! tops, vests, dresses, shoes, belts... i want them all! T.T

we found a lovely scarf for vhavha. it was a knitted white scarf, the girly and cutesy kind with pom-poms on each end. SO CUTE! i really want one for myself now.

anyhoo, tonight vhavha took us (magda, ika, yunita, and myself) to have dinner @ bandar djakarta. bandar djakarta is a seafood restaurant located at ancol bay in jakarta. so it's seafood by the seaside! what more could you ask for, right? it was my first time eating there, and i thought the place had a great atmosphere. the deck was covered with giant canopies, and there were small gazebos for lesehan (sitting on the floor). we had a table right beside the sea, but it was dark so we couldn't see anything, which was kind of creepy for me.

bandar djakarta @ night (from bandar-djakarta.com)

more bandar djakarta

the food was great. i tried "kerang bambu"... roughly translated, bamboo cockles, and "kerang macan", which looked more like snails than oysters to me. heh. we also ate this shark fish. not shark fin. a WHOLE shark, only a very, very small one, and they had it grilled. NICE!

besides the ambience and the food, what i loved most was simply being there with my dearest friends. after almost six months apart from them, and really, almost NO communication between us (except for yuyun becos she lives downstairs)... we were still able to click together within the first few seconds. i guess this is how a real friendship feels like. we have totally different lives, different personalities, but yet we have this bond that keeps us together, no matter what we do and who we are.

i loved watching the funny banters between vhavha and yuyun. if you look at them separately, it may seem that they live in two different worlds. vhavha is more relaxed, simple, and she lives to her own rhythm. while yunita is so hyperactive, always keeping up with the current trend (being a fashion student and all), and loves the more "glamorous" life. and yet, they can connect through this stupid arguments and teasing, and it's really hard for me to explain... but you can see how they enjoy being in the company of each other and having fun together.

for me, it's nice to know that back home, i'll always have my friends. they're the ones who pull me close to home, they're the first people that i truly feel comfortable with, and i can't deny that my friends helped me become who i am now. they play an important role in my life, and no matter how far i am away from them, i won't forget how they shaped my life.

of course, every one of us is far from perfect. our differences sometimes get in the way, but somehow, we'll just snap back together. and when we do, we learn from our mistakes and our friendship matures even more.

i guess you can tell that i have so much faith in my beloved friends. after all, when you find a friend, you find a treasure, right?

i remember this quote by the philosopher, kahlil gibran:
"For what is your friend that you should seek him for hours to kill?
Seek him always for hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness."
amazing, isn't it? if i translate it to bahasa indonesia, roughly it is saying:
"Maka apalah artinya sahabat jika kau mencarinya untuk membunuh waktu?
Carilah dia selalu untuk waktu yang hidup.
Karena dialah yang mengisi kebutuhanmu, tapi bukan kekosonganmu."

on a different, but equally joyous note, i prayed with my mother today. i don't know how God placed this opportunity within my hands, but i thank Him for it. mom is having some doubts about her job, and she just can't make a decision about it. who am i to advise her on work, you know?

if i were the same old me, i would just let her worry about it herself. i mean, why bother with grown up's problems. but somehow, God spoke to me, and He wanted me to do just that. He nudged me to ask my mother about how she was doing. i did that, although a bit awkwardly. my mom told me about her doubts and fears, and although i understood them, i don't know what i can tell her.

but she asked me to pray for her. usually i'd just say okay and mention her to God when i'm saying my night prayers. but God nudged me again to pray together with her. she agreed. and so i prayed, i prayed that God would protect her and lead her, that God would put faith in my mother's heart that God will uphold her.

thank you so much for this opportunity, Lord. i know it wasn't much, but i felt a joy of relief to be able to encourage my own mother. i want You to work in her, just like You have worked in me. i know You have greater plans for my family, that You love us always. i will always have faith in my family. because i have faith in YOU, Father!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008
JEGERR, the star of pet society! 1:39 AM


jegerr is my beloved rascal that i play with in pet society. pet society is the new craze! it's an application in facebook, and it allows us to keep a pet and play with others and go shopping and stuff.

i just wanted to show off my jegerr in his holiday costume. see i dressed him so pretty with his fancy suit and all... and the ever-present, staring octopus! i also went crazy in the furniture shop just now, cos they just had this bunch of christmas decorations that i couldn't resist. whee!

anyone want to meet jegerr??

holiday mangoes, anyone? 1:19 AM

okay, this is gonna be my last entry before i completely revamp my blog. it's long overdue. yes. yes. everyone keeps nagging and complaining about the white-on-white text. i call it the dead style. like a ghost. invisible. geddit?? gegegege...

anyway i arrived at my dearest, lovely kelapa gading home yesterday. i understand that most of my friends thought that i was going back the day before yesterday--a sunday, with the rest of my friends like ika and jeselin (MISSPELLED ON PURPOSE). but yes, something came up.

that something, was the result of lala's humongous error. or stupidity.

AIYOOO I BOOKED THE TICKET WRONGLY LAAAH! it was supposed to be on 30th of november. and i didn't check the ticket at all when i was booking online. i didn't check when i printed it out. i didn't check. but the lady at the check-in counter in changi airport checked.

fatlady: "for clarissa amabel... yes, your ticket is for tomorrow, not today."
lala: "heh?"
fatlady: "you see the date. it's for the first of december. today is 30 november."
lala: "...HAH??"
jeselin: "HAH?"
fatlady: "yeah. so you have to come back tomorrow. you can't change it to now, cos the plane is full already. if you want to buy a ticket for today, it has to be for later tonight. and you can't change the time, you have to buy new one."
lala: "...okay."

RETARD! hahaha! i felt like screaming at myself that time, and everyone was really staring at me. then i couldn't speak, for i was way overwhelmed. and my VERY VERY GOOD FRIENDS, instead of feeling bad or sorry for me or sympathizing or anything, they sniggered. i know they wanted to laugh out loud. but they pitied me. some friends!

kidding, sisters. i love you all, no matter how mean you are to me.

and, yeah, amongst all the stupid things that i've done, this one has got to count as one of the most stupidest. quote me on that!

so... they went inside the boarding area. while i staggered back to take a taxi back to my hostel. i kept smiling at myself in the taxi, i bet the uncle driver thought i was mad! gegege! then i spent the rest of my day in evi's room, watching this japanese drama, "One Litre of Tears". i didn't shed any while evi cried and cried... why, i wonder.

anyway. yesterday i made it through the check in counter in one piece. the fat lady remembered me as the sorry girl who was rejected the day before. eheh. overall, the trip home was smooth. i wished i didn't have to go home alone again, but heh, it was enjoyable nonetheless. it was a monday, so the plane was quite empty and i had a row of seats all to myself. nice, right?

my mom kept ranting on and on about how fat i've become. I GET IT, motheerrr... what was a busy girl like me to do? i barely had time to sleep during school, let alone think about healthy eating. and i always use the same excuse, it's so jaded.