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SQUEAKKKKK.
i have so many thoughts, criss-crossing my mind right now. the thoughts they fly by so fast, sometimes it's hard for me to capture it into writing before it flutters away. but if i don't express it, if i don't write it down, it will bother me.
probably the reason why i'm feeling so contemplative is because i've been reading a lot lately. i love reading. reading is love. i've been reading stuff ever since i learnt how to read (ya lah!!). and i have a secret, secret love towards writing.
anyway.
i'm tired. and also happy. and also sad. and also hopeful.
i am physically tired lately. working is a new experience and i'm still getting used to it, even after 5 weeks. i still can't stand sitting still, staring at a screen for 9 straight hours. that's why i hold the record for the highest number of toilet breaks. and it drains me, even though i don't use much energy in front of the computer, it still makes me feel extremely tired when i go back. and i don't get to go straight home, most of the time.
i am happy. happy because of the things God is stirring in my heart lately. as His children, we are imperfect. i was sort of losing touch, but God is great--He will not let us fall or stumble. God has been speaking into my heart, awakening the spirit that has faltered. He's been speaking to me through morning prayer, leaders meeting, bible study, service sermons... and i can't let myself stray away anymore.
i've learnt to come back to what God has called me to do. amongst other things, it's my ministry. when He asked me to step forward and volunteer as an usher, i did so. but now after months of serving, we tire. we lose the excitement and are left with the petty little problems.
and i'm repenting. i truly know that it was wrong of me to think that maybe it wasn't right for me to be an usher. maybe i need to find a better ministry, something not so demanding. or maybe, i just needed to learn a bit of responsibility. and focus. focus on what ministry is all about: serving God. i've lost that focus some time ago. and now i'm taking it back.
i'm sad. i'm sad that again, we have lost communication. i thought we were doing good, talking at night and joking and laughing. but these last few nights i feel strange. i feel like inside the room, there is a vacuum that sucks away every noise, every voice. it is quiet. it is disturbingly quiet. and whenever i try to strike up a conversation, you'd answer with one-liners. and i don't know what's going on. i really feel i might be overreacting, and i really, really hope i am.
i'm hopeful. for everything, of everything. i can't put my hopes into words, they are all over the place, they are finding every nook and cranny to seep into, to breathe into.
i am tired. and i've said that, right?
i want to crush on somebody again. HAHA.
