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Friday, April 24, 2009
i'm not a good speaker. 12:41 PM

believe you, me.

i may be confident about speaking in public about topics like beliefs or my thoughts.

but i do not have the courage to speak out my feelings.

yesh. of all things, i find it difficult to speak out my feelings. if you ever noticed. i rarely talk about what i feel, like, what i really really feel deep down inside.

why? to some people it comes naturally. revealing yourself in front of others.

i find it nerve wrecking. even to those that i should trust the most. i wish i have the courage to say, "just so you know. i'm disappointed in you." or, "i felt hurt." or, positively speaking, "that was great, thanks, i really appreciate it."

it's ridiculous. how can you not be honest to the people around you?

well, just for the record.

tonight i was upset. for a moment i was frustrated. about so many things that's going on in life now. sometimes that kind of stuff brings you down, you see. no matter how strong you may be, it tugs you down. even just for an inch lower--but you feel it. stress, anger, frustration.

i'm not the kind of person who wallows in self-pity and anger. i denounce all negative feelings toward myself. but sometimes you can't help it, those feelings catch you off guard and you fall victim even for a short while.

praise God, though, for He is good.

He didn't let me be sad for long :)

He came through, in the form of three of my close friends.

see, i was trying my best to keep a straight face so that no one can see that i was not feeling good. but it was getting difficult because my blood was somewhat boiling, toasting inside. BUT thankfully my friend was talking to me through msn. then my other close friend popped up. i told them about what made me upset. they asked what's wrong. then they said it's actually for the better.

by then, just talking to them made me feel a bit better. i'm glad that they still care, like they actually give a damn to what i felt. then we talked some more. we joked around. made me laugh. and when i laughed, suddenly i don't feel sad anymore. i feel stronger. like they empowered me somehow.

they care :)

they really do.

even when they're far away.

then of course another friend of mine showed up on msn when those two signed off. i told her about my problem. again, she told me it was for the better. well, the place of agreement is the place of power. this friend, she made me laugh out so loud. she helped me feel lighter, without even meaning to, i guess.

i am so glad to have friends from all over.

i am so thankful to have these people around me. even the friends who made me upset.

though sometimes you just feel the urge to be a bitch and just being angry and bitter, but seriously, we have to let it go as soon as possible. it's not healthy to keep the "bitchy" seed inside of us. no, it has nothing to do with your edgy personality. it's just spoiled attitude, it's what you do when you want to be selfish and hurtful.

that's what i think at least.

i'm sorry if this entry makes you feel uneasy. or any other unpleasant feeling.

if i can't even speak out what i feel on this blog, then where else?

anyway, thankyou so much to my friends who managed to cheer me up. thankyou to my friends who made me upset because you made me learn something. and thank you so much, God, for sending friends to guide me along the way You've set for me.

Sunday, April 19, 2009
my project is depression. 8:41 AM

no, seriously. i'm working on a project for advertising... doing a PSA for self-harm.

and it's making me depressed.
i've been looking at photos of self-injuring people on flickr for almost 2 hours.
looking at their scars, their blood... oh my, it is SO AWFUL.

i think i'm mentally scarred!

okay sorry it's not funny.

then i went on to see a friend's photos with her bf.

and i really haven't started working on my ad!
it's almost 12am now.
yay me.