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and baby you're my disease...
the song is just hopelessly stuck in my head.
for the third day in a row, today has been dull. i didn't go out of the house at all. i was stationed in front of the tv all day, and while it's really, really a great time to indulge myself in the guilty pleasure called TELEVISION, i feel... empty.
you know, i'm not supposed to feel this way. this is not good... this is, wrong!
although i can't help myself. the more tv that i watch, the guiltier, and the emptier i feel. which is stupid. how can i let something SO VAIN like tv get to me. maybe it's because i haven't watched tv in 6 months, now my mind is rejecting it.
i think i've watched too much grey's anatomy, now i'm starting to make a diagnosis.
anyway, christmas is around the corner. this year, i'm not feeling the christmasy mood.. uh, it's barely there. in spite of all the christmas-themed shows on tv, SIGH! today i watched 2 episodes of Nigella's Christmas, and this beautiful chef showed us how to cook christmas food.. wow.
of course, i want to have a chance to experience that sort of christmas. you don't really get to eat gingerbread cookies, or roasted ham, or put presents under your tree here in this country. usually during christmas season, we're all busy preparing for our churches' christmas service. it's fun, when you're involved, but now since i'm not participating in anything... it just feels a little... i don't know.
i guess, what i want to do this christmas, is to make peace with myself.
this insecurity thing.. it's getting old. i really have to stop questioning myself, and step up, and stand by.. me. you know. i believe in other people. i need to believe in myself too.
so, hmmm, yeah.
i am sooo rambling and this entry makes no sense.
but it feels nice to be able to pour out my thoughts like this.
yep, it's pouring and flowing and running all over the place.
but heck, who cares. this is my space.
i miss YOU.
