Navigations are at the top
ABOUT {what i've}
LINKS {been looking for}
TAG {all this time}
get one too
SQUEAKKKKK.
i have so many thoughts, criss-crossing my mind right now. the thoughts they fly by so fast, sometimes it's hard for me to capture it into writing before it flutters away. but if i don't express it, if i don't write it down, it will bother me.
probably the reason why i'm feeling so contemplative is because i've been reading a lot lately. i love reading. reading is love. i've been reading stuff ever since i learnt how to read (ya lah!!). and i have a secret, secret love towards writing.
anyway.
i'm tired. and also happy. and also sad. and also hopeful.
i am physically tired lately. working is a new experience and i'm still getting used to it, even after 5 weeks. i still can't stand sitting still, staring at a screen for 9 straight hours. that's why i hold the record for the highest number of toilet breaks. and it drains me, even though i don't use much energy in front of the computer, it still makes me feel extremely tired when i go back. and i don't get to go straight home, most of the time.
i am happy. happy because of the things God is stirring in my heart lately. as His children, we are imperfect. i was sort of losing touch, but God is great--He will not let us fall or stumble. God has been speaking into my heart, awakening the spirit that has faltered. He's been speaking to me through morning prayer, leaders meeting, bible study, service sermons... and i can't let myself stray away anymore.
i've learnt to come back to what God has called me to do. amongst other things, it's my ministry. when He asked me to step forward and volunteer as an usher, i did so. but now after months of serving, we tire. we lose the excitement and are left with the petty little problems.
and i'm repenting. i truly know that it was wrong of me to think that maybe it wasn't right for me to be an usher. maybe i need to find a better ministry, something not so demanding. or maybe, i just needed to learn a bit of responsibility. and focus. focus on what ministry is all about: serving God. i've lost that focus some time ago. and now i'm taking it back.
i'm sad. i'm sad that again, we have lost communication. i thought we were doing good, talking at night and joking and laughing. but these last few nights i feel strange. i feel like inside the room, there is a vacuum that sucks away every noise, every voice. it is quiet. it is disturbingly quiet. and whenever i try to strike up a conversation, you'd answer with one-liners. and i don't know what's going on. i really feel i might be overreacting, and i really, really hope i am.
i'm hopeful. for everything, of everything. i can't put my hopes into words, they are all over the place, they are finding every nook and cranny to seep into, to breathe into.
i am tired. and i've said that, right?
i want to crush on somebody again. HAHA.
sekarang colleague di meja sebelahku mulai bersin juga.
merasa bersalah takut nularin orang. tapi gue meler kan karena alergi, bukan karena virus!
dan lagi, dari tadi gue bersin pake tisue, tidak membuka mulut, ditutup dengan tangan, dan gue tidak ada kontak fisik dengan colleague di sebelah sama sekali kok.
i hope she gets better soon.
and me too.
aduhhhhhh.
sekarang jam 4.27 sore, dan aku berada di kantor.
dari tadi pagi yang gue kerjain cuma mengganti warna iklan, dari colour ke b&w and spot colour. sisanya... bengong. main facebook sembunyi-sembunyi. cetink sembunyi-sembunyi, berusaha menahan ketawa setengah mati gara2 siicengek. trus bengong lagi.
gue cek email 10 mnit sekali, berharap ada update ato apa yang bisa membuat gue sibuk sejenak. menunggu email dr manager yang ga dateng-dateng. haduuuuhhh.
dan sekarang, yang terus menerus gue lakukan dengan konsisten dari tadi pagi adalah MELER.
sumpedeh ini meler ngga berenti2. ngga tau ya, kayaknya ac-nya kedinginan. tangan gue dingin sekarang, kaki gue dingin dan kesemutan sekarang, kepala gue senut-senut sekarang, gue bernafas dari mulut sekarang... what a miserable day!
sebetulnya gue lagi menunggu orang lain untuk mulai kerja. see, gue ditugaskan untuk suatu project berdua dgn intern yang lain. tp intern yang satu lagi sibuk terus dari tadi. trus tadi dia bilang, "got nothing to do right?" "YEAAA," said i, "ok, just keep quiet." katanya.
so i keep quiet lorrrr. i'm not saying a word. tapi jari-jariku mengetik dengan berisik dr td. salahkan keyboard mac yang keras ini. untung tadi pas lunch break ada si jger jeslin ika dan geboy, mereka lagi makan di nihon mura di deket sini. jd gue nimbrung. tp pas jalan, sempet kena gerimis sejenak, jadi makin parah aja melernya.
haduuuuuiiiii jam 6 cepetan dong dateeeeng!
then after work, i need to meet with jindy before LM to discuss outreach.
phew!
some people are just so uptight.
let it loose laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
anyway today i went cycling with my classmates. SORT OF. i sort of cannot cycle, and the whole way i just rode in a double bike behind jeger. GEGEGEGE. we went cycling in east coast, and we cycled for two hours until my thighs felt so stiff.
EEEEE.
but cycling was awesomely fun. forgive me for being so uncool about it, but this is the first time i ever felt so close to actually riding a bike and enjoying the wind in my hair! east coast park was a nice place, with a sort-of-beach on our right side and tall, towering trees on our left side.
then tomorrow is back to work for me.
ohhhhhhno.
beruang suka makan madu bekerjasama dengan madu untuk menyerang monyet.
monyetcantik diserang dari dua arah.
paranormal/dukun hanya bersorak untuk monyet dari samping.
i've just finished watching the movie on youtube.
dan sungguh hatiku terkesima menyaksikan indonesia. film yang powerful banget, membuka mata setiap dari kita, dan membongkar segenap emosi yang ada.
film ini membuat gue belajar menghargai hal-hal kecil. membuat kita teringat apa makna dari berjuang buat impian kita. bahwa sungguh, iman dan kemauan cukup untuk membuat dunia kita bergerak.
gue terkagum sama keindahan indonesia. film ini bisa menangkap setiap detail yang penting dari jaman itu, kayak kapur merk harimau, piala penghargaan, piagam yang ditulisin pake pena kaligrafi... these little items brought life into the film. gue terkagum melihat alam indonesia yang sesungguhnya, yang mungkin selama ini ga sempet kita lihat.
i've read books, i've seen pictures of the indonesian beauty. but really, moving image is different, yeah?
kapan saat terakhir gue bisa berhenti terburu-buru, dan berjalan menikmati alam sekitar?
sometimes taking a walk in the morning helps to put life in perspective.
i've realized, in singapore, i'm always in a hurry. i stopped enjoying myself like i used to, as if spending time for myself and my friends is a luxury i won't be able to afford. i've set goals, with time limits, and my life runs from one accomplishment to next accomplishment. you know what i mean?
i wake up in the morning thinking what i want to do.
i need to get this done. then i need to rush here. then i need to do this.
and sometimes i can't even be bothered to slip a stupid grin when somebody cracks a joke.
come on.
i don't want to be pathetic, okay.
i want life to take full shape.
i want to appreciate everything, i want to be thankful for everything, i want to have fun.
i want to be wise, too, of course.
so what now?
so i stumbled upon her tonight. kate moross is a graphic designer and illustrator based in london.
she's just super awesome--she is twenty two but she has loads of amazing portfolio work. i love her style--psychedelic hand lettering and isometric shapes combined.
most of her work that she did is for bands and clubs. which made me think. i am so not a clubbing person. but i love club-artwork. hehehe. i think it's just fancy and awesome.
and she inspired me to get myself a sketchbook and some sketch pens.
ok, note to self.
must buy sketchbook and pens for instant doodling.
btw i just started my internship at draftfcb yesterday.
it began with kind of a slow start.
i dunno what to expect yet. i just want to learn as much as i can, and HAVE FUN at the same time, you know.
ok, going back to watching laskar pelangi now.
tonight some of my friends went to see friday the 13th. but i bailed, cos methinks it's a waste of time. heheh.
believe you, me.
i may be confident about speaking in public about topics like beliefs or my thoughts.
but i do not have the courage to speak out my feelings.
yesh. of all things, i find it difficult to speak out my feelings. if you ever noticed. i rarely talk about what i feel, like, what i really really feel deep down inside.
why? to some people it comes naturally. revealing yourself in front of others.
i find it nerve wrecking. even to those that i should trust the most. i wish i have the courage to say, "just so you know. i'm disappointed in you." or, "i felt hurt." or, positively speaking, "that was great, thanks, i really appreciate it."
it's ridiculous. how can you not be honest to the people around you?
well, just for the record.
tonight i was upset. for a moment i was frustrated. about so many things that's going on in life now. sometimes that kind of stuff brings you down, you see. no matter how strong you may be, it tugs you down. even just for an inch lower--but you feel it. stress, anger, frustration.
i'm not the kind of person who wallows in self-pity and anger. i denounce all negative feelings toward myself. but sometimes you can't help it, those feelings catch you off guard and you fall victim even for a short while.
praise God, though, for He is good.
He didn't let me be sad for long :)
He came through, in the form of three of my close friends.
see, i was trying my best to keep a straight face so that no one can see that i was not feeling good. but it was getting difficult because my blood was somewhat boiling, toasting inside. BUT thankfully my friend was talking to me through msn. then my other close friend popped up. i told them about what made me upset. they asked what's wrong. then they said it's actually for the better.
by then, just talking to them made me feel a bit better. i'm glad that they still care, like they actually give a damn to what i felt. then we talked some more. we joked around. made me laugh. and when i laughed, suddenly i don't feel sad anymore. i feel stronger. like they empowered me somehow.
they care :)
they really do.
even when they're far away.
then of course another friend of mine showed up on msn when those two signed off. i told her about my problem. again, she told me it was for the better. well, the place of agreement is the place of power. this friend, she made me laugh out so loud. she helped me feel lighter, without even meaning to, i guess.
i am so glad to have friends from all over.
i am so thankful to have these people around me. even the friends who made me upset.
though sometimes you just feel the urge to be a bitch and just being angry and bitter, but seriously, we have to let it go as soon as possible. it's not healthy to keep the "bitchy" seed inside of us. no, it has nothing to do with your edgy personality. it's just spoiled attitude, it's what you do when you want to be selfish and hurtful.
that's what i think at least.
i'm sorry if this entry makes you feel uneasy. or any other unpleasant feeling.
if i can't even speak out what i feel on this blog, then where else?
anyway, thankyou so much to my friends who managed to cheer me up. thankyou to my friends who made me upset because you made me learn something. and thank you so much, God, for sending friends to guide me along the way You've set for me.
